Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My Grinch's Heart by Kathryn Magendie

I fear I am turning into the Grinch. You know, scowling about Christmas and all the Who’s in Whoville’s noise getting on my nerves. What’s happened to me? When Christmas was always the most perfect, most wonderful time of the year? Somewhere along the way, I’ve let some kind of magic go, some kind of beauty of the season. I want it back. Can you help me get it back? How?, you ask. Well…I’m open to suggestions. Send me Christmassy comments that enlighten and lighten? Email me cute Christmas cards? Post wonderful holiday thoughts on blogs and twitters and facebooks, oh my, and send me the link?

Saturday we were going to go buy our tree, but something else came up. I hated the feeling of momentary relief…where did that come from? I had been excited, hadn’t I? The decorations are stacked in boxes, ready for the tree we will get, maybe tomorrow. I want to look forward to decorating it.

Maybe part of it, too, is my friends and family are far from me.

What do I want for Christmas this year? I want that spirit back. I want that old feeling back. I can’t force it, so I’m asking you all, to help me find that Christmas-Holiday Gratitude. I know it’s somewhere. I must have just misplaced it in a corner, under a pile of sweaters, in the sock drawer, in the hollowed out tree, behind the dresser, under the couch, in the refrigerator (where we all open it and stare inside and think, "what was I looking for?")…somewhere, it’s here somewhere.

Right now as I'm writing this on Sunday, there are oodles of Fa La La La Lifetime Christmas specials. Where these women are living disallusioned lives at Christmas and yada yada the same old; but, every now and then I tear up, as if I am seeing parts of myself in these women. Thing is, at the end of the movie, I know they'll have found what is missing—will I find it along with her? Gee, I hope so.

I’ll fly like the hawk over a jeweled city of holiday shine and there I will find what I need, yes. Yes.

I’ll keep searching those little corners and places for that old feeling. It rises up and quickly flies away just out of my grasp. Maybe you’ve seen it? Floating around, my Holiday Spirit. If you do see it, grab hold of it and bring it back to me, and for that, I’ll be filled with gratitude. And perhaps by Christmas, somehow, someway, some magic will have happened...and I will write, "It happened...it really happened..." And what will have happened will be because of you and you and you and you...I'm already smiling, thinking about what magic may happen, all because I just reached out and asked.


Patresa Hartman said...

i have a hard time mustering the will to haul out christmas decorations. was going to do it sunday...then didn't. was going to do it yesterday...then didn't.

i do think christmas lights do something to me. why don't you hang one strand of christmas lights somewhere and see what happens? i'll try it, too.

maybe that will be enough to inspire me to put on christmas music.

and then who knows what will happen after that.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Do it, ladies. I didn't wanna go through the rigamarole this year either, but there is really nothing like some twinkling lights calling from a darkened room to lift you.

I want to extend the Gratitude & Attitude award I got yesterday at my blog to you special YOG writer women. Please import it over here and display it proudly. :) Huggage

Barbara Quinn said...

It's not all happy, happy, joy, joy but for me, there are still a few twinkling lights out there.

Kathryn Magendie said...

We are going to get the three tomorrow - today is a blustery day with darkling clouds threatening rain (which we really really need).

Once I get that string of lights, P, yes, let's do that - a simple string of lights that will lead to another? Ornaments that always make me smile....

My favorite christmas movies...some of which I've already watched.

Or maybe some kind of christmas treat - my momma's lemon squares she is going to mail me soon!

something....keep em coming *laugh*

Marta Stephens said...

My best Christmas was in 1983. Our eldest daughter was two months old. She’d had a rough start in life but was doing well by then.

On December 24, we were getting ready to go to my parents’ home for the evening meal and presents, but the weather had taken a nasty turn. There were several inches of snow on the ground with the promise of more to come. By early evening it was clear we weren’t going to get out of the drive way. My mother was understandably disappointed when I made the call to cancel, but to be honest, all I really wanted to do was stay home and spend Christmas with my husband and baby girl.

Oh sure we had a tree and presents and I do remember fixing pork chops for dinner that year. I can’t remember what else I prepared that night or on Christmas day. I couldn’t even tell you what we did to pass the time. I do remember the feeling though and knowing I didn’t need the usual “Christmassy” things to find joy, just the people I love.

Anonymous said...

Pay close attention and somewhere, someone will have a completely unexplained, untouchable, event come into their life. You may not notice it until after it is long gone. Happens every year. Restores my faith in the reason for the season.

Kathryn Magendie said...

Marta! The snow was sent your way for that perfect family at home night! *smiling*

Oren - oh! I hope so! ...thank you...*smiling*

Anonymous said...

dear kat,
i opened the page to make a comment because i wanted you to stop for a moment and breathe (namaste) and let me follow the YOG to thank you and your friends for the many many times in 2008 i've turned to your page and this site to return to that special peace that we know Christmas symbolizes in our culture [well, perhaps what we WANT it to symbolize]. sharing your "undiscovered genius" with unknown friends -- in this case thousands of miles away -- your unbelievably beautiful photographs, your experiences in Bat Boy, your scenes from a marriage, Clementine -- these reach out to spirits mysteriously brought together by the strange scientific advance of the Internet, perhaps further than your works once widely published will ever be able to do. though you are not physically surrounded by all your close friends and family, i hope it will bring that Christmas spirit back to you to know that your self/essence, in all your moods and meanderings, is a source of smiles and anticipation to people you don't even know, as well as, of course, those you do. Christmas is outside yourself, in the gift of yourself you have given and will give to others. so let GMR take you in those big arms and relax in the love that is yours, from all of us.

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