Do Not Try This At Home by Kat Magendie

Here is what you do not do. You do not lie in bed at night, and because you are bored with the book you were reading and do not feel up to picking out another one, and since you are tired and want to be in bed, but aren’t feeling exactly sleepy, you reach over and pick up your cell phone and click on the little camera icon, and then you turn the camera eye towards you and start taking photos of what your face looks like while you are in bed..."Hmm, I wonder what my husband sees when he comes to bed...." Do not do that. I am able to tell you not to do this because it is what I did last night. Be grateful I am warning you.

Now, you are exempt from this if you are under twentyish-years-old. You are exempt from this if you have had extensive plastic surgery and botox (and if you have, may god have mercy on your expression). You are also exempt from this if you are a man, because everyone knows that men usually think they look better than they do while women think they look worse than they do; and besides, men would not lie in bed, bored, taking photos of their faces (I said faces) with their camera (or perhaps they would—see The Internet).

So, while lying on my back, my face smoothes out, all except for the Forehead Butt (of which I have already yogged and placed a photo below), but in that smoothing out, there is also some kind of weird morphing of my cheeks…huhn. Now, for god’s sake, do not: I repeat DO NOT turn over and snap a photo of yourself facing the camera whilst letting said face slide onto the cell phone and pool onto the pillows…god.

To also avoid, take my word for it: Turn to the side and everything shifts that way, turn to the other side and everything shifts the other way. Take a picture of the hand, just to give oneself a break and …well, whose hand it that? My mother’s? My granny’s? Not mine!

Taking photos of individual face parts is also not suggested. The bulbous nose, the incredulous eyes, the stubborn chin, the flushed cheeks, the forehead butt like a side-ways turned smirky mouth, the …wait! Hold up! I have lovely ears! Why, my ears are like little soft seashells. Ha! I am grateful for my pretty little ears, which lie flat against my pea-head most delicately. I knew I’d find a gratitude moment in this post if I just kept writing. Find your beauty, wherever you can, and be grateful for it.