Hard Outer Shell (with a Soft Nougaty Center) By Kathryn Magendie

I have a reputation—my reclusive nature, my cynical side. When asked to participate in YOG, I thought, how can I open a rift in my skin and let people stare inside? My brother Mike said, “Year of gratitude, huh? You gonna get mooshy? Our family doesn’t do mooshy.” I felt as if I had to explain myself to him, “I am not…quit looking at me! I’m telling! Mooom!” Maybe I’m not fooling anyone. At a party, a friend sashayed up to me, where I stood mysterious-like, and said, “You’re a good person and you like people.” I replied, “Take that back, Francis!” She turned, looked over her shoulder vamp-like, said, “You don’t fool me,” and walked away. I slumped in a chair and formed my features into part scowl, part great party-but-I-have-a-reputation-to-uphold-so-pardon-me-if-I-scowl. People gave me big grins, said, “Hi Kat! What’s up?” They weren’t put off by my scowl! I found a mirror—scowl? More like goofy half grin-half smirk-half “they like me, they really like me.”

My friends in Baton Rouge think they know me, too. I carry on, stomp onto my soapbox. They say, “Aw, Kat. We know you.” What do they know? (me, that’s who). My husband tilts my chin, looks me in the eye, and leads me to believe I’m loveable. I won’t cuddle, I tell him. I won’t! Those who know me somehow find the sentimental fool I pack away so my amour isn’t penetrated. What am I afraid of? What many are afraid of—letting go, getting hurt, being exposed to the wind and elements. Well, come close, shhhh, just between us—I'm grateful for my friends, my family, my colleagues, for all who love me, trust me, respect me, who see into my (tender) heart, for never letting me get away with It, for poking through the tough outer skin and peeking inside to what I really do want to share—mooshy as that sounds; I guess it’s true. This’ll be our little secret.